Settling? I Don't Know Her...

Here's my take on settling... Don't.

My dear roses, I want to talk to you about the concept of settling. As you can see by the title, me and her are no longer acquainted, but don’t be mistaken… That friendship took a long time for me to end for good. Settling and I were actually very close, in fact she would be present in many friendships, relationships, and family matters as well.

When I was growing up, I was a really passive child. My mom would always get frustrated with me for not speaking up if my order was wrong or my hairstyle was done in a way I didn’t want. This trend of accepting things that I perceived as inadequate carried on with me as I got older, and it created a great amount of pain, disappointment, and overall sadness. I didn’t realize until very recently that my sis settling really freaking sucked; one, because she would always convince me that expecting and demanding more from people would result in being alone and two, she never allowed me to be truthful with myself.

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"It’s not fair for anybody to deal with mistreatment while suffering in silence, it’s just not right."

When I was in AP Psychology, I learned about something called cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is basically when your beliefs and your actions don’t align, which creates anxiety and irritation. The only way to relieve this anxiety is to either change your actions so they reflect your beliefs or change your beliefs so they reflect your actions. I’ll give you a simple scenario: You firmly believe that eating meat is bad for you yet, you’re going to Chick-Fil-A every Friday. This causes you to have cognitive dissonance because your beliefs and your actions don’t match up. You have two choices on how to fix this: change your action to not eating meat to reflect what you believe or say screw it and change your belief by not giving a damn at all. When I would settle in situations where I knew the treatment I was receiving was wrong, my actions wouldn’t reflect my beliefs at all. With men, I would continue being intimate with them even though I believed I deserved more. With friends, I would continue hanging out with them even though I believed the friendship was toxic. It’s not fair for anybody to deal with mistreatment while suffering in silence, it’s just not right.

The majority of the time I was faced with cognitive dissonance from settling, changing my beliefs was never the answer. Deep down, you are always aware of what feels right and what feels wrong. The only way I got out of those situations where I was settling for friendships and relationships that were clearly negative was changing my actions of allowing that mistreatment. This often times meant I had to sever ties with people I felt deeply about, which were not easy decisions to make at all. In your case, it may not be as extreme as cutting someone off. It might just mean it’s time for you to change your action of keeping quiet to speaking up about what you demand out of a relationship / friendship. However, if they still don’t listen, then that is when you know it's time to let that person go.

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"The reality of settling is that she’s really just fear in disguise."

We tend to be so scared of losing people we love and care about, even when we know those people aren’t good for us. The reality of settling is that she’s really just fear in disguise. Fear of a failed relationship, fear of not having friends, fear of upsetting people, fear of people not liking you. Fear of loving yourself so much that you may lose the ones you thought you were going to be rocking with forever. Fear of misconceptions and false perceptions. Fear is a b**** indeed, and consequently, so is settling. That’s why I don’t know her anymore. And that’s why you shouldn’t know her either.

Take a good look at your life and ask yourself, in what areas am I settling? Who is in my presence that treats me less than I deserve? Why do I allow myself to accept this treatment and what can I do to change these circumstances? And it might not always be a who, but more so a what. Maybe you're settling for a career path that isn't your passion, but you're too afraid to change the path you're on because of the ambiguity of not knowing what you want to do with your life. Or maybe, you're settling for temporary happiness and distractions from your declining mental health because you're afraid you'll be perceived as crazy for going to see a therapist (first of all, I think everybody should see a therapist but that'll be a topic of discussion for another day). There are a lot of things in life that we can't control, but who and what we dictate deserves our time and energy is one aspect of life we have power in. It's time for you to reclaim and take back your power. You deserve it. Much love.

- Z