I'm going to be completely honest with you guys when I say I probably wouldn't be writing this article right now if I didn't just have a mental breakdown. But nevertheless, here we are. I really haven't touched this thing since 2019 and a lot, a lot, a lotttt has changed since then. But this isn't a post to dwell on the past or the entire year and a half of time lost due to the pandemic. I really came on here today to dump out all the negative emotions I have been feeling recently. First and foremost, ever since I moved back to Atlanta this past spring semester, I've hated myself on multiple occasions. And this wasn't the run of the mill "omg I don't feel pretty today" type of hatred. I'm talking full blown self-loathing. However, what I've come to realize during these moments of loathing is that all of them existed on the basis of truth, which has made it even harder for me to process. Because I should love myself right?
I never really posed as a "perfect" person or even strived to be "perfect" because I personally don't believe that anyone has the capability to achieve perfection, especially being the fucked up humans that we are. Kittens are perfect. Humans are not. So, when my siblings noticed my mother's favoritism towards me in high school and called me "the perfect child" because I rarely got in trouble, it bothered me. And part of me feels as though my mom's high expectations of me manifested into this really ugly version of myself where I beat myself up over the smallest mistakes. Anxiety attacks are no fun and the depressive episode that follows is even worse. So what truths exactly have been spiraling me into these episodes where I feel worthless and useless and like everyone in the world hates me? Things like me constantly interrupting people when they're speaking, my inability to set boundaries, my lack of listening, creating my own narratives in arguments rather than hearing the other side's out... And the list probably continues but I just haven't been told the fuck up yet. So yeah.
I was previously unaware the specificity of my flaws until those I love told me. And I didn't take those truths very well. Not because I felt as though they were wrong because every single time, those individuals have been right. I was the one who fucked up. But the problem lies in my inability to accept that I am human and those flaws can be changed and worked on and dissipated. Instead I cry lol and fall into this mindset where there's no way these people could love me and they'd be better off if I was gone. Not dead or anything before y'all get concerned, but sometimes I just wish I was on a private island where I can't be perceived by anybody. So now I'm kind of in this mode where I don't know where to go from here. Honestly, back to therapy is where I need to go, but outside of that... I now know to make a conscious effort about these things and fix the flaws in my persona, but how do I healthily combat another that arises? How do I keep myself from freaking out every time someone tells me I hurt their feelings or I annoyed them or made them mad without selfishly having a woe is me moment? That's where my problem lies. And it's like this never-ending cycle bro, I get sad about messing up, then mad, then sad again, then mad at the fact I'm even tripping over it and for being so sensitive. Other people just brush this shit off you know, keep it pushing. I want to be like that too. But for me, it's hard to find balance. Either I'm going to cry about it or I'm going to be a stone cold bitch. And I really don't want either. I just want to be able to accept what I'm being told, adjust, and move on. So yeah, I'll go back to therapy, work on that, and check back in with y'all in a month or so idk.