A poem + more about being afraid of love
On the days that they were born
I imagined it as if I had carried them in my own womb
flesh and blood and everything in between
I pictured myself as the rose that I was
my body a sinewy stem in full bloom
limbs like tendrils clinging to the person I was before
afraid of hurt
afraid of pain
my leaves like cushions of comfort
coddling me
caressing the arm hairs that soon became erect with a faint whisper and a soft smile
When I felt them in my core
a wave of confusion washed over me
suffocated me
drowned me until the idea of comfortability did not equate to being content
to being calm
to being at peace
Have you ever been impregnated by the trauma that you've been through?
when a situation touches you so deeply
you feel like you're swimming in the deep end of a pool with no lifeguard
in the middle of the ocean with no life raft
and at first
you're met with a feeling of fear
this overwhelming sensation of paralysis from the tips of your toes
to the depths of your soul
frozen in space and time
unwilling and unable to move
But then
you realize you've been given the opportunity to be reborn
to emerge from what you thought would've killed you
and transition into something greater
more full
more whole
where the idea of thorns growing out of the palms of your hands
and the soles of your feet
doesn't phase you anymore
and when the palms of another doesn't remind you of your past failures
when your past isn't perceived as a failure at all
where metaphors become your primary form of expression
and they translate into a love language that is readable by another
So I have one question for you
Have you ever been afraid of being in love?
Are you afraid now?
My dear roses,
Long time, no see. I've been super busy with school and stuff lately, but tonight I wanted to take the time out and talk about something that's been on my mind for a while. Fear. Fear of love in particular. Fear of being in love and everything that comes with it. I've thought I was in love multiple times, and quickly after those relationships ended I knew I had never actually been in love before. However, with every failed situation, a new version of myself was born. I continued to be reborn over and over and over again until I got to who I am now. The more mature and emotionally intelligent version of me you all have gotten the pleasure to read about through these blog posts. And it's weird, I feel more myself than I ever have in my entire life, yet I feel like I have so much more to learn and experience. Like real, genuine love for example. Like the kind where you're so in love with somebody and so comfortable with them that you can take a shit at their place and not have to hold your bowel movements for five hours straight. And they're so in love with you they accept all your awkward mannerisms and annoyingness (because let's be real, we all get annoyed with our S/O sometimes) because the pros out way the cons. Complete and utter acceptance of each other's flaws and weirdness and everything good in between.
I'm an avid dreamer, I spend 90% of the time in a daydream. And while daydreaming one day about my imaginary future lover and thinking of how happy I'd be when fantasy becomes reality, my anxiety began to turn that dream into a complete nightmare. I became repulsed at the idea of being that emotionally vulnerable with somebody. It was then that I realized I'd never get to experience that love I daydreamed about because I had made the decision I'd rather eat a jean jacket than let another man make me cry again. Not saying that every man I encountered would break my heart, but being so scared to even risk it. But the idea that great risk = great reward is applicable for nearly everything. Being in love is one of the biggest risks a person can take, hence why so many of us are afraid of it. That's when I decided to just say fuck it. I'm a Pisces, which means I basically have the potential to fall in love way too easily. It's ultimately inevitable.
I'm not really sure when I'll actually experience this love I hear about all the time. It could be in a month, a year, ten years, who knows. What I DO know is that whenever the universe decides to bless me with something genuine and authentic, I won't let fear get in the way. What's a life worth living without a little bit of fear? Okay I'm going to bed now. Much love.
- Z