Have you ever asked yourself what YOUR toxic traits are?
My dear roses, I am so excited to talk about this topic today. So, for those who are avid Twitter users like yours truly, you saw at some point this year people tweeting what their toxic traits were. Some were more comical such as...
Others were more common...
And then there were those that were more serious...
My goal by the end of this article is for every one of you beautiful roses to identity any toxic traits you may have, your thorns as I would say (since they're a part of you but aren't necessarily all that great), that everybody else may see but you.
"We all are guilty of having at least a little bit of toxicity in us because we're all human."
I'll start. Although I am a loving, compassionate, and empathetic individual, a toxic trait I've come to realize I have is victimization. In situations where I was hurt or done wrong, I would always view myself as a victim. I'm not saying that the people who hurt me weren't wrong or that my feelings weren't valid, but I never considered the fact that there were things I did and allowed that led me to end up in those situations. When you have a victim mentality, you don't learn from your mistakes. Realizing this toxic trait of mine has led me to work on how I react to new conflicts and have a different approach, especially when falling out with people. I don't try to view myself as a victim anymore or focus on how badly somebody hurt my feelings. Instead, I think okay, what can I learn, what can I do differently next time, and how can I avoid being in this situation again?
We are so quick to blame other people and outside forces when shit hits the fan, but what was our own contribution to it hitting the fan? Of course there are aspects of a situation that are out of your control and there are cases where it absolutely wasn't your fault, but think about the situations where you might have been the toxic one. Where your inability to control your temper led to a resentful relationship. Where your lack of communication led to dry conversation. Where your jealousy led you to maybe not being the best friend you could've been. Where your lack of compassion led people to not want to open up to you anymore. Where you pushing everybody away expecting them to come back left you with nobody because they were sick of being treated poorly. Consider where you messed up, and if you honestly feel like you didn't then that's great. But we all are guilty of having at least a little bit of toxicity in us because we're all human.
"Don't settle for a lesser version of yourself just because you're comfortable with being that person."
"This is just how I am" is probably the most common phrase used when a person wants to validate their toxic traits. Number one, the phrase is toxic in itself, and number two, it's totally a lie. There is a difference between your personality traits and your toxic traits. Someone being naturally quiet and reserved is totally different than someone ghosting you for three weeks then popping back up with a smooth "whatitdobabyyyy" like nothing happened. Don't use this phrase to fool yourself and other people into believing your toxicity is something you can't overcome. A person can and will change if they want to enough, so don't settle for a lesser version of yourself just because you're comfortable with being that person. Change is hard and that's why a lot of us have just learned to live with our toxic traits and have even began to believe they're our personality traits.
The number one way to begin overcoming your toxic traits is to do an honest self-assessment. I want to emphasize the word "honest" because it's important not to let your shame and guilt prevent you from recognizing your toxic traits. Look in the mirror and become completely naked of all the masks you put up for other people as well as yourself. No one is judging you. Think, and really think after you ask yourself this question: what is a toxic trait that YOU have? Listen to what the first thing that pops up in your mind is, and see if you push it away out of denial. Usually that first answer we think of is a valid one, just like when we're taking a test. If nothing immediately comes to mind, do a little digging. Re-evaluate your behaviors in certain situations and see if an answer comes out of that. This can be a painful process because it means we may have to revisit memories we've tried so hard to forget.
It's going to take time, patience, and effort, but it's definitely a journey worth going on. Toxicity is not fun to live with and it's definitely not fun to be around. Identifying these traits and working on transforming them into healthy behaviors will not only benefit you, but your personal relationships as well. Much love.
-Z